Trauma-Informed Parenting: Using PACE (Dan Seigel) and TBRI Trust BasedRelational Intervention (Karyn Purvis) to Support Your Child
Parenting a child who has experienced trauma can feel overwhelming at times. Big emotions, sudden reactions, and challenging behaviour can leave Caregivers wondering what to do next.
Trauma-informed parenting offers a different lens: instead of asking “What’s wrong with my child?” we ask “What has happened to my child—and what do they need right now?”
At its core, this approach is about connection, safety, and understanding. Two powerful frameworks that support this are PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy) and TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention).
Understanding Behaviour Differently
Children don’t act out without reason. What looks like defiance, aggression, or
withdrawal is often a sign that a child is:
Feeling unsafe or overwhelmed
Struggling to regulate emotions
Communicating a need they don’t yet have words for
When we shift our mindset from managing behaviour to meeting needs, everything changes.
PACE: How You Show Up for Your Child
PACE is about the way you respond to your child—your tone, your attitude, and your emotional presence.
Playfulness
Using lightness and humour can reduce tension and help your child feel safe.
Instead of escalating a situation, playfulness invites connection:
“I wonder who can do the silliest walk to the door?”
Acceptance
Acceptance means acknowledging your child’s feelings, even if you can’t accept their behaviour.
“I can see you’re really angry right now.”
This helps your child feel seen rather than judged.
Curiosity
Curiosity replaces assumptions with understanding.
“I wonder if something felt too hard today?”
This is more of an internal statement for you as the caregiver, rather than a question for the child to answer.
Empathy
Empathy communicates that you truly understand.
“That must have felt really upsetting.”
When children feel understood, they are more likely to calm and reconnect.
TBRI: Meeting the Underlying Needs
TBRI helps caregivers focus on what children need, not just what they do.
1. Empowering: Supporting the Body
Ask yourself: What does this child need physically right now?
Are they hungry, tired, or overwhelmed?
Do they need movement or quiet time?
Are routines predictable and supportive?
When basic needs are met, behaviour often improves naturally.
2. Connecting: Building Safety Through Relationship
Connection is the foundation of everything.
Spend time together doing what the child enjoys
Use warm tone and body language
Be present and attuned
Connection creates a sense of safety, and safety reduces stress responses.
3. Correcting: Teaching, Not Punishing
Once the child is calm and connected, you can guide behaviour.
Stay calm and consistent
Set clear, safe boundaries
Teach alternative skills
The goal isn’t compliance, it’s helping the child learn how to cope and respond differently over time.
Putting It into Practice
A simple way to remember trauma-informed parenting is:
Connect → Regulate → Teach
1. Connect first (PACE)
2. Support regulation and meet needs (TBRI Empowering)
3. Guide behaviour or teach new skills (TBRI Correcting)
A Real-Life Example
Imagine your child comes home from school and starts yelling.
Instead of reacting with punishment:
Curiosity: “Something’s really upset you…”
Empathy: “That felt unfair, didn’t it?”
Support: “Let’s sit together”
Teach later: “I wonder how else you can tell me that you’ve had a rough day?”
This approach doesn’t ignore behaviour—it addresses it in a way that builds skills and trust.
What Matters Most
Trauma-informed parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present, consistent, and willing to understand your child beneath the behaviour.
Some key reminders:
Behaviour is communication
Safety matters more than compliance
Connection reduces challenging behaviour
Children need co-regulation before they can self-regulate
Your relationship is your most powerful tool. When children feel safe, connected, and understood, they are far more able to learn, grow, and thrive. Even small shifts like pausing, getting curious, responding with empathy can make a big difference over time.
