Bullying: The Bully and The Bullied. How Do We Support Our Children?
Bullying is a concern for many us as parents/caregivers, whether it’s our child that is experiencing it or engaging in it. It can have long-lasting effects on a child’s emotional and mental wellbeing. As a parent/caregiver, knowing how to respond effectively can make a significant difference in helping our child navigate these challenges.
What Is Bullying?
Bullying is repeated aggressive behaviour that involves a power imbalance.
It can be physical (hitting, pushing), verbal (name-calling, threats), relational (exclusion, spreading rumours), or even digital (cyberbullying via social media, messages, or gaming platforms). Research indicates that bullying can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, making it really important for us to get on to this early.
Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt, a leading researcher on bullying, highlights that bullying is not just a social issue but also a biological one, as it affects brain development and stress regulation.
Her studies suggest that chronic exposure to bullying can lead to changes in the brain's structure, impacting emotional regulation and cognitive functioning.
She emphasizes the importance of fostering resilience in children by developing strong social connections, emotional intelligence, and self-regulation skills.
Why Do Some Children Bully Others?
There are many reasons why children bully others. Some may feel insecure or have low self-esteem. They bully to feel a sense of power or control because they struggle with their own self-worth. Others may engage in bullying to fit in with a group or avoid becoming a target themselves. There may be exposure to aggression at home, including harsh discipline or lack of emotional support, which can lead children to model similar behaviours in their peer interactions.
Some children that bully have difficulty with emotional regulation, so they struggle to manage frustration, anger, or anxiety and may lash out at others as a coping mechanism.
Bullying behaviour can sometimes stem from a desire for attention from peers, teachers, or even parents. Some children have difficulty understanding or relating to how their actions affect others, which can lead to harmful behaviours. There may also be struggles with social skills for some bullies; According to research from Child Mind Institute, some children bully because they lack the social skills to engage in positive peer interactions. They may not know how to communicate effectively, solve conflicts, or establish friendships in a healthy way. Children who witness bullying at home, in their community, or in media may come to see it as an acceptable way to assert control or gain social status. The bullying behaviours may also occur out of a desire to avoid being bullied themselves as a form of self-protection, believing that if they are the aggressor, they will avoid becoming a target themselves.
What to Do if Your Child Is Being Bullied
If your child is a victim of bullying, they may feel scared, ashamed, or reluctant to talk about it. Here’s how you can support them:
Create a Safe Space – Encourage open conversations by listening without judgment. Let your child know it’s not their fault and that you’re there to help.
Validate Their Feelings – Acknowledge their emotions and reassure them that their feelings are valid. Saying things like, “That sounds really difficult. I’m so sorry this is happening to you,” can make them feel heard.
Gather Information – Ask your child about the bullying: who is involved, what happens, and where it takes place. Keep a record of incidents if needed.
Teach Coping Strategies – Role-play different ways to respond, such as using confident body language, walking away, or seeking help from a trusted adult. Encourage them to engage in activities that boost their self-esteem.
Practice Assertive Responses – Teach your child simple but effective phrases they can say to a bully in the moment, such as:
"I don’t like that. Stop it."
"That’s not funny. Please don’t say that again."
"Leave me alone."
"I’m not going to listen to you."
Practicing these responses in advance can help your child feel more prepared to handle difficult situations.
6. Inform School Staff – Work collaboratively with teachers or wellbeing staff to address the issue and ensure a safe environment for your child.
7. Monitor Their Wellbeing – Look out for signs of distress such as withdrawal, changes in sleep or appetite, or reluctance to go to school. If needed, seek support from a mental health therapist.
What to Do if Your Child Is the Bully
Discovering that your child is bullying others can be difficult, but addressing it early is crucial in helping them develop empathy and positive social behaviours.
Stay Calm and Listen – Instead of reacting with anger, approach the situation with curiosity. Ask your child why they behaved that way and try to understand the underlying cause.
Explain the Impact – Help your child see how their actions impact others. Encourage empathy by asking, “How do you think that made them feel?”
Set Clear Expectations – Make it clear that bullying is unacceptable. Discuss appropriate ways to handle frustration or conflict.
Encourage Positive Social Skills – Teach your child kindness, respect, and healthy ways to express emotions. Role-modelling these behaviours is key.
Work with the School – Collaborate with teachers or wellbeing staff to create a plan for behaviour change and ensure accountability.
Address Underlying Issues – Since bullying can stem from insecurity, family stress, or emotional struggles, reach out for professional support if needed to help your child develop healthier coping strategies.
How Can We, as Parents/Caregivers, Prevent Bullying?
Whether our child is being bullied or displaying bullying behaviours, we can play a key role in shaping their response.
We can create a home environment that fosters kindness, open communication, and emotional regulation, which can help prevent bullying.
Some Practical Steps:
Model Kindness & Respect – Children learn by observing how we treat others. Show them what healthy relationships look like.
Encourage Healthy Friendships – Support them in building friendships based on mutual respect and kindness.
Monitor Online Activity – Be aware of their digital interactions and discuss responsible online behaviour.
Teach Emotional Regulation – Help your child understand and manage their emotions in positive ways.
Dr. Vaillancourt advises parents to actively teach emotional resilience by helping children identify and regulate their emotions. She stresses that
strong parental support and a nurturing environment can buffer against the negative effects of bullying.
Bullying is a complex issue, but with the right guidance and support, children can develop resilience and learn to navigate social challenges in a positive way. If bullying persists despite interventions, seeking help from a professional therapist can provide additional support.
Dr. Vaillancourt’s research suggests that interventions focusing on social-emotional learning and resilience-building can be highly effective in reducing bullying and its long-term impact.
By fostering empathy, communication, and self-awareness, we can help our children build the skills they need to create a more compassionate environment.
