Is This ‘Normal’? Exploring The Social And Emotional Development Of Our Children, What To Expect And How We Can Support Them.
When our children were babies, we may have felt some impatience for them to say their first word or start crawling or walking, but we knew we had to continuously support them until they were ready. The same can be said for social and emotional development; sometimes we may find that we’re expecting them to show more empathy, share with a friend, or be ok with simple changes. We might also become frustrated when they seem to say ‘no’ to everything, don’t respond to us straight away, have to win every game, or insist that they know best.
Having some understanding of the developmental goals that our children are working towards can give us the insight we need in order to respond and support in a way that is more appropriate, as we don’t take these behaviours personally.
We’ll take a look at the development stages and some behaviours that may come along with it.
Infancy; Trust vs Mistrust (ages 0-3 years)
The foundation of social and emotional development begins in infancy, as newborns form attachments to their caregivers. This stage is often associated with Erik Erikson's concept of "trust vs. mistrust."
Babies learn to trust the world when their needs are consistently met.
This will form the foundation for their exploration of the world, their independence, their confidence and self-esteem, and their relationships.
At this young age there is no understanding of intentionality – they see, and they do without thinking about why or what it means. So, when they bite, it is not to hurt, when they grab toys from other kids it’s not to cause upset.
They aren’t developmentally able to share and everything that they consider to be theirs is felt as an extension of themselves, so we hear a lot of ‘mine’ and ‘no!’ and experience a lot of ‘tantrums’ to uphold this ‘mine’ and ‘no’.
There will be an abundance of ‘tantrums’, frustration and strong emotions, which are very normal at this age, as they are limited in their ability to communicate or to understand.
They are likely to become distressed when separating from their primary caregivers.
They will switch between wanting to be independent, insisting they can do everything by themselves, and wanting to be treated like a little person, so you have to carry them all the way to school pick-up!
Might show jealousy when parent gives attention to other children.
What we can do to support this development;
Consistently meet our babies needs as best as we can; do they need a sleep, a cuddle, food, changing?
As they move into toddlerhood be positive when we see them doing the right thing and be gentle and compassionate when correcting.
Help them put words to what they are feeling; “It’s disappointing when you can’t do something that you really want to do”.
Using distraction works well at this age when we are wanting to move them away from something we don’t want them to be doing. This is far better than us constantly saying ‘no’ to the many things they do throughout the day; instead of “no, don’t touch the dirty bin” say “come and look at this bird that is in the tree”.
They will need help to transition happily from one activity to another and will need a heads-up to prepare them for changes in routine or unusual events.
Encourage decision-making, but make sure to limit the choices to just two.
Be consistent with rules and consequences and stick to just a few that you know you can follow through with, otherwise it just becomes confusing and more likely that we become inconsistent with any consequence.
Preschool: Initiative vs. Guilt (4-6 years)
In preschool years, children's social and emotional development continues to evolve. They start to explore their interests and take on new responsibilities.
Encouragement and support during this stage help children develop a sense of initiative, creativity, and purpose.
However, a lack of support can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
At this developmental stage our children are super curious and want to know all about the way things work, so expect a lot of ‘why?’ questions.
It’s very normal for our children to be self-absorbed and feel like they are the centre of the universe.
We will start to see critical thinking develop, where things and people can be described in simple opposite terms, such as ‘good’ or ‘bad, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.
They may be very competitive and will always try to win. They may also accuse others of cheating if they don’t win.
They may develop a number of new fears and have frequent nightmares.
They may tell extravagant stories as the lines between fantasy and reality are still blurred towards the lower end of this age group.
They will continue to test their limit with you (yes, even this is normal!).
They will seem stubborn or bossy, as they are experimenting with their sense of independence.
At around 5 they may start to show empathy and an understanding that other people might have points of view that are different to their own.
They will seek praise for their school work and for the good things they do.
They may be afraid of criticism or failing at something.
They may still find it hard to share when it comes to their special things.
What we can do to support this development;
Encourage our children to be active and engage in group games. This will help them to develop important skills like taking turns, getting along with others, working together, negotiating, compromising, and winning or losing graciously.
We can encourage any effort they make, rather than the outcome to encourage them to give things a try without focusing on the winning or losing and increase their self-belief.
We can motivate them to continue to be curious by answering all of their ‘why’ questions but being honest about what we don’t know and maybe inviting them to help you find out. This way they recognise that we don’t always have to know everything.
Give our child some one-on-one time each day, even just for 10 minutes. Here they can let us into their world and we can understand what is going on for them. This special time is invaluable for our children, they will feel seen and heard by their most important person/people.
Primary School: Industry vs. Inferiority (6-12 years)
As children enter primary school, they develop a sense of competence and industry. They are eager to learn and achieve new skills.
Nurturing their interests and accomplishments at this stage is essential to prevent feelings of inferiority or incompetence.
At this developmental stage children enjoy demonstrating skills they have mastered, but at the same time may also be very insecure and self-critical.
They can often become attached to a teacher or another adult in their life.
We may hear them complaining more often.
They may be very dramatic about many things in their world; like friends and school.
They will be very sensitive to what you think of them.
They may become very frustrated and angry when they are upset, even though they are trying to use words to express how they’re feeling.
They may “experiment” with misbehaviour, such as lying, as they explore what’s right and wrong.
They have a strong sense of what’s right and wrong, and how the rules should be followed. Often sees things as strictly black or white.
May feel very misunderstood.
They have very little acceptance of differing views and will want you to think the same way that they do.
Despite their blossoming independence, 8 to 9 year olds often battle insecurity and still have a strong need for their parents’ acceptance, affirmation and guidance.
Expect sudden swings between self-confidence and self-doubt, and rapid mood swings in general.
They may become more concerned about their appearance.
They show a growing awareness of world events that can lead to new fears, such as natural disasters, house fires, nuclear war, burglars, kidnappers and injury or death of a parent.
They become more and more interested in being accepted by their peers as they become more important than their primary caregivers.
They will push against rules and directions and may be disrespectful towards you.
They will develop the capacity to be selfish, argumentative and abrasive.
We can expect struggles with insecurity and self-consciousness to grow even more pronounced as they move towards the later years of this developmental stage.
They begin to pull away even further from caregivers around 10-12 and begin to question parental authority and parental rules. This is a normal process of developing independence and deciding for themselves the beliefs and values they will embrace.
What we can do to support this development;
Practice our listening far more than we do any talking. They need to feel validated for how they are feeling without thinking that we have to fix all of their problems.
It’s helpful to be clear about what it is that we’re are praising our children for. Be specific rather than general.
We can prompt our children to think about how they can solve some of their challenges. They need space to come up with their own ideas.
We must do our best to avoid arguing with them. We are better at working through these upsets by allowing them to express their view and giving them encouragement to see things from other points of view.
It’s so important to spend as much time together as possible at this stage. With adolescence just around the corner, making sure your connection is solid is crucial.
Adolescence
Adolescence can be a time of both disorientation and discovery.
This transitional period can raise questions of independence and identity as they move psychologically and socially into a young adult.
At this developmental stage they will become more argumentative and will push against you more. This is perfectly in keeping with their adolescent adventure and their experimentation with independence.
They will experiment with their image and identity.
They may not want to talk too much with you and become emotionally distant.
They may have more emotional explosions as they can misread your emotional expressions.
They will act like they don’t care about your opinion, even though it really does matter to them.
What we can do to support this development;
Ensure that they continue to feel connected to us and loved for who they are. Avoiding judgement and criticism is so important.
We need to remind ourselves that they are not rejecting us, they are just trying to find their own independence, which is a healthy step in moving towards adulthood.
Move away from trying to assert control over them and focus on influencing them in your openness to be there for them when they want to come to you. Here we are ready to talk with them, giving them information without lecturing them.
Give them space to develop their own relationships.
Make sure they know that you are always there for them in whatever situation they find themselves in and will continue to love them regardless.
The journey of social and emotional development in children is a continuous, evolving process.
Understanding the key stages and actively participating in a child's growth can positively impact their emotional intelligence, self-esteem, and overall well-being.
By providing a supportive and nurturing environment, parents and caregivers can help children develop the essential skills to build successful relationships, navigate life's challenges, and thrive emotionally.
