Co-regulation with Adhd and Autistic Children

As a Therapist who is also an autistic parent to two autistic and ADHD children (aged 5 and 9, one with PDA), co-regulation has been an ever changing and steep learning curve. When I first began using co-regulation, I felt like I should be able to do it easy! I’m a therapist I know this stuff! I was a little over confident.

There are so many strategies promising connection, calm and emotional safety. But in reality, many of those tools simply didn’t work for our family.

Over time, what has helped most has come from lived experience, a lot of trial and error, careful observation, and a lot of reflection.

My regulation comes first

One of the most important things I’ve learned is that I cannot support my children’s regulation if I am already dysregulated. When I lose my temper, I co-escalate. 

When I remember to - I prioritise meeting my own needs first:

* Eating regularly

* Drinking enough water

* Reducing sensory input

* Taking brief moments to reset (even if this is hiding in the closet on  my phone)

For me when things start hairy I verbalise and model meeting my own needs:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed and everything feels too loud right now” *rubbing my chest where i feel tension* Then putting on headphones, taking audible deep breaths. 

There is always a reason

For AuDHD children, meltdowns are rarely random. They are usually the result of an accumulation of stressors throughout the day.

I try and keep a mental tally:

* Have they slept enough?

* Have they eaten and had water?

* Have they had protein?

  (Protein supports dopamine production, which is especially important for ADHD brains.)

* How many small challenges have they faced today?

When I understand why the meltdown is happening, I respond with more compassion. This significantly reduces the chance of reacting with frustration or unhelpful language.

Recognising “rumble signs”

Each child has unique early warning signs that dysregulation is building.

For my children, this includes:

* Increased irritability

* Pacing

* Louder voice

* Reduced ability to focus

* Increased sensory seeking (crashing into me or the couch, taunting a sibling, climbing me)

* Increased need for stimulus levels I cannot meet (“I’m bored” repeatedly)

Recognising these signs early allows for co-regulation before a full meltdown occurs, often reducing intensity and duration.

What didn’t work for us

Validating emotions: “I can see you’re feeling really frustrated”

For my children, this increased distress. During dysregulation, language processing is often offline. Talking can feel overwhelming and intrusive.

Offering constant ideas verbally increased irritability, again language processing was gone.

Teaching them breathing exercises made them want to throw more things at my head. 

What I learned: Neurodivergent children often need something different.

• Connection without pressure — staying nearby rather than insisting on talk

• Sensory support — movement, deep pressure, or tactile input

• Autonomy — choice in how and when to regulate

• Lower demands — less expectation for to tell you what’s wrong, or comply with demands to “calm  down” or “stop yelling”

Strategies that did help

1. Silent parallel activity:

• I stay nearby

• Start an activity they enjoy

• Say nothing

This offers connection without pressure. Often they join in when ready.

2. Novel or favourite snacks

While staying close, I quietly place a snack nearby:

• Chips/cookie

• Crushed ice

• Icy poles

Cold and crunchy foods stimulate the **vagus nerve**, which helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system — supporting calming and regulation.

4. Movement, deep pressure and sensory input

If they’re crashing into furniture or people, they’re likely seeking proprioceptive input.

Helpful options:

• If you have a crash mat/couch pilllows pull them out 

• Wrestling

• Jumping/tumbling 

• I bring the dog in with the tug ‘o’ war rope

• My kids verbally stim (sometimes it’s words/phrases on repeat) it sometimes helps me connect with them if I quietly join in. My partner can beat box and puts a beat to it. Equally dorky and cool I know. 

This can release tension, meet sensory needs, and restore connection.

Final thoughts

Co-regulation is not about perfection.

It’s about awareness, curiosity, and compassion.

When we understand why our children are struggling, we respond differently — with patience and empathy, even humour.

Some days are of course very hard.

But progress is progress and when we keep learning and sometimes get it right, our kids feel seen and understood which is worth everything.