Parenting Triggers - Why We Might Be So Reactive To Our Child’s Behaviour And How Conscious Parenting Can Help.
When our child’s behaviour causes us to suddenly feel very angry, hurt or helpless, it is because, in that moment, we have been triggered.
Our child might whine, cry or shout, and instead of responding supportively to our child during their big emotion, we shout, we withdraw or cry ourselves.
Understanding our parenting triggers and dealing with the underlying emotions can help us support our children through their difficult experience, rather than getting lost in our own emotions.
What are parenting triggers?
These triggers are caused by our child’s behaviour, in which an automatic negative response occurs within us because it activates a feeling from the past, or a fear within us.
For example, we might let our child know it is time to get in the bath and our child may respond with; “I’m not getting in the bath and you can’t make me!” This may bring up a feeling of disrespect that you have felt in the past, which will create a response from us that can be totally unreasonable for the situation.
If we weren’t triggered we can address the situation with more clarity, seeing it for what it is; a child learning how to use power and assertiveness.
When we see the interaction for what it is without the cloud of emotion and automatic reaction that comes from being triggered, we can respond with effective guidance;
“Wow, you certainly don’t want to have your bath right now, but it’s so important that we wash away the germs that can make us sick. Maybe you can choose a short book that we can read before bath time today, then tomorrow you can chose if you’d like to have a shower instead?”
Another example could be if your child is crying or whining, you may feel a surge of frustration or overwhelm and helplessness. This may be because when you were a child you were not allowed to express negative emotions and were ignored or sent away to your bedroom, and, therefore, didn’t receive any modelling in how to comfort a child through these feelings.
Your body unconsciously remembers how you felt when you were a child, so the upset that occurs in the present has more to do with ourselves than the child’s behaviour itself.
Some behaviours that we see from children that can be common triggers for us are;
· Not listening
· Being silly
· Food waste
· Talking back
· Refusing affection
· Dishonesty
· Rude behaviour
· Crying
· Whining
· Anger
If we recognise that our reaction may have been over the top, we can check in with ourselves to see whether the interaction brought feelings of, for example, rejection, unworthiness, shame, disrespect, overwhelm, helplessness, invalidation, inferiority etc, and then investigate where this comes from. It’s likely to come from a time in our past or a fear that we have than what the present-moment interaction with our child warranted.
Why is it important to recognise these triggers and become more conscious about our parenting?
Frequently reacting from a place of being triggered is taking away our opportunity to be the parent that we want to be.
When we don’t recognise that the behaviour that we are seeing from our child is triggering deeper negative feelings, we see our child as the problem. When we see our child as responsible for the negative feelings that we have, this disconnects us from them and make the relationship extremely difficult or intolerable.
If we can pause, look inwardly and start to recognise where these emotions are coming from, we can move forward through each challenging situation while staying connected with our child.
How do I become are of my triggers?
To find out what our triggers are we need to start to become mindful of our reactions. We can self- reflect on whether our actions are justified (chances are if we felt a rush of sudden emotion then we were triggered).
If we don’t acknowledge our part in the interaction we cant make any meaningful change.
Start to become aware of how your body is feeling; does your heartrate spike? Do you feel tight in your chest or a sinking in your stomach? Investigating these sensations can help you to understand the trigger and distance that negative feeling from being associated with your child.
Once we are aware of our triggers, we increase the chances of favouring a positive response to our child’s behaviour. We may need support to work through some deep emotions that this recognition may uncover, so that we can process and heal. This can take time and will need self-compassion.
The time and energy that we put into understanding ourselves can change the way we parent for the better.
This can vastly improve the relationship we have with our children, creating a compassionate, nurturing, more peaceful home environment and a strong, synergetic bond.
