‘What Do I Get If I Do This?” – Moving Away From Extrinsic Motivation and Promoting Intrinsic Values In Our Children
When we hear our children ask us desperately for the expensive running shoes or the newest phone, or they query what they are going to get if they do as we ask, it can feel disheartening and unsettling.
Seeing this attachment to materialistic things and bargaining for an object or privilege goes against the values we want to instil. We would like to see our children set the table for dinner because they recognise they are part of a family that works together, not because they want the ice cream after dinner. We’d like to see them appreciate what they have rather than always wanting more.
In other words, we’d like them to be motivated by intrinsic values rather than extrinsic ones.
What are intrinsic and extrinsic values?
Extrinsic values are linked to external rewards. Someone who is motivated by extrinsic values, will do something for tangible external rewards, such as money, grades or gifts, or intangible rewards such as praise or popularity. Sometimes, the external reward may be avoiding punishment or a negative outcome. For example, a child may engage in a behaviour to avoid being shamed or judged.
Intrinsic values are linked to natural curiosities.
When we are motivated by an intrinsic value we simply enjoy an activity or see it as an opportunity to explore, learn and grow. We might read a book, go for a walk, learn how to play an instrument and plant a garden, just for the pure enjoyment in the moment, without any reward to be gained.
Why are intrinsic values important?
Always having a reward or buying the latest item that has become so important for our children can be expensive and unsustainable. But this isn’t the primary reason why promoting intrinsic values is significant. Research has shown that across Western and Eastern cultures, children and, particularly, adolescents, tend to experience greater wellbeing the more they value intrinsic pursuits, such as personal growth, close relationships and community contribution.
Intrinsic motivation is related to the concept of ‘growth mindset’. Growth mindset is the theory that we can learn from our mistakes as our abilities are not fixed. Additionally, this growth mindset can lead to ‘cognitive hardiness’, a certain quality of mental strength, with which our children believe in themselves and their ability to make a difference to the world around them.
With this mental strength they work hard to try again and view failure or challenge as a chance to grow and learn.
In contrast, those that prioritised extrinsic, materialistic pursuits were more likely to experience reduced well-being, challenges with mental health and a lack of motivation in general. Materialism and the behaviours that go with it, for example, desiring and buying brand name clothes and luxury items, can be symptoms of insecurity and a coping strategy used to alleviate feelings of self-doubt or boost a poor self-image.
“If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.”
― Carol S. Dweck, Developmental Psychologist
Is all extrinsic motivation bad?
While there are certainly major downfalls of prioritising extrinsic motivation, it doesn’t mean it is all bad and should be avoided completely.
There are times when these external motivators are useful, but they need to be used wisely.
It can be a useful tool, particularly when children need to complete something that they find difficult or uninteresting or they lack the skills to get started. It can be used as a short-term motivator, in which rewards should be kept small and should be tied directly to performing a specific behaviour; For example, a reward chart to encourage your child to use the toilet or get dressed on their own, which can be phased out once they have mastered the skill. For an adolescent it may be that you allow them to stay out with their friends for an extra 30 minutes on occasion because they have been showing you how responsible they are by consistently coming home at curfew.
With careful application, extrinsic motivation can result in intrinsic motivation—in which a person performs a task well simply because they enjoy it, find it fulfilling, or feel a sense of pride.
How do I promote intrinsic values in my child?
It’s important to note that a focus on extrinsic values is also part of our child’s development.
From infancy to adulthood, the developing moral person progresses from self (“It’s right because it feels right to me”) to others (“It’s right because it’s what we do in our family”) to abstract moral reasoning (“It’s right because it is right”).
Therefore, unless faced with depriving or non-supportive circumstances, when people’s values change over time, they should naturally move in the direction of a healthier pattern of prioritizing intrinsic values.
We can encourage this natural inclination towards intrinsic values in our children a number of ways:
Take the opportunity to envision the future with your children. Children generally have instant gratification-centric thinking and tend to think only of the consequences that will occur within the next 24 hours. Looking a little further into the future, even just by a few weeks, might encourage them to look past the immediate gratification they might feel of not doing their homework today, for example, to the longer term achievement of where all of their learning can take them.
Celebrate Successes - Sincere and specific praise can enhance the pride a child has naturally, but instead of focusing on the person or even the behaviour, focus on their feelings (and your feelings) of internal joy.
Make them aware of advertising and its purpose. Having an honest conversation with our children about how clever advertising can be in its ability to make us feel as though we are deficient in some way unless we have what they are selling, can be a starting point for our children to view advertising objectively.
Break Down Big Goals into Smaller Steps - Teach your children to have big dreams but to break them down into smaller goals that will allow them to experience quicker positive feedback and success. Here, we can teach our kids the importance of practicing and it is how we can give them the courage to try the really hard things again and again.
Recognise the positive – It is demotivating for a child when we focus on their mistakes or shortcomings. When we make an effort to look for the things we like to encourage (waiting patiently, asking politely, getting dressed on their own, sharing with a friend, making an effort with their homework), or even the absence of more challenging behaviour (not having a meltdown when told they couldn’t have something, not shouting at a sibling that day, not immediately picking up the iPad as soon as they get home) we can generate a feeling of progress and positivity in them that is an incredible motivator.
Encourage them to see mistakes as a chance to learn and try again, rather than an end point. For example, If your child grabs something from another child, instead of just repairing the situation (giving the item back to the other child and helping to regulate any emotional repercussions), we can say “let’s try taking turns with this again”. In this example we can encourage our child to ask the other child nicely for the item and then help them with how to respond to that answer; “ok, they are still using this for now, let’s find something else to play with and ask again in 5 minutes”. Helping our children reflect on their actions and try again is exactly how inner growth happens.
It is normal for our children to be driven by material wants at certain developmental stages, particularly adolescents. What we can do to ensure they aren’t consumed by these extrinsic motivations and equate what they own or the praise they receive with their own self-worth, is to be aware of how we can consistently foster the internal values. In supporting this they will achieve the natural inclination towards intrinsic motivations, promoting solid and grounded self-confidence and general well-being.
