“What About Me?” Why Does My Child Only Seem To Care About Themself?
We might notice that our child is very possessive about their ‘things’, but expect others to share with them. Perhaps they want to be first for everything and make decisions to benefit their own needs. They may also want to talk about their own needs, thoughts and opinions while seeming disinterested in yours.
When we see these behaviours in our child it is understandable that some of us may question whether our child is just selfish!
However, this egocentric nature of a child is their natural behaviour at a certain stage of development. This is completely normal in the first stage of life.
The term ‘egocentric’ is derived from a concept resulting from Jean Piaget’s (1951) theory of cognitive development.
Egocentrism presents most clearly in children under the age of seven, and is a thought process where they believe everyone in their environment exists solely for them with the world revolving around them.
Children in this stage of development are unable to see a situation from another persons point of view, in terms of imagining how another person may think or feel.
At this stage your child assumes that other people see, hear and feel exactly the same as they do.
While this is very evident before the age of seven, we will still see some of these behaviours in older children as they move through this stage and begin to understand others’ perspectives too.
So, rather than seeing this behaviour as selfish, we can recognise that it is a developmental stage, in which we can support our child in acknowledging perspectives of others and developing empathy.
Understanding other’s perspectives and having empathy are actually complex skills to learn!
We have to first see that others have separate thoughts and feelings and recognise common emotions (sad, angry, happy) in ourselves and others. We also then need to conceptualise how another person may feel in different situations and have some awareness of what we might be able to do to help. Achieving these skills needs support!
How can we support our children through this stage?
Model empathic behaviour towards others. We don’t dismiss their feelings as ‘silly’, we validate and name their emotion for them; “I can see that you’re feeling worried about riding a bigger bike”.
Encourage our children to talk about their feelings. They will gain the vocabulary that they need to understand their experience, which will also help them to recognise it in others.
Be explicit in promoting empathy. Rather than asking “how do you think they feel?” say, for example, “I see that ‘Sarah’ is crying, she looks sad”.
Help them make the connections with what has happened. For example if your child watches a child get down off the swing at the park and runs past the child he knows has been waiting, hops on and starts swinging while the waiting child stands crying, instead of saying “hop down and say sorry”, we need to help them make the connection; “the other child was looking forward to their turn on the swing and had been waiting patiently, then you got on before them without waiting your turn and now they are really sad.”
Always note when your child shows any empathy and praise them for it; “I noticed that you let your sister choose which slice of pizza she wanted first, it looks like that made her feel happy”.
With consistent support from their caregivers, children will move through this phase and grow into the empathic and caring child they can be.
