What Is Behind ‘Attention-Seeking’ Behaviour And How Do We Respond?
When we understand that our children’s behaviour is their way of communicating, we can view certain behaviours in a different way.
Let’s be honest, there are a lot of behaviours that are very annoying, inconvenient and sometimes upsetting; shouting, kicking, hitting, saying hurtful things to us, whining, being ‘overdramatic’ and hurting siblings.
These are all ways that our children are communicating. What they are communicating is that they want our attention.
Often we hear that ‘attention-seeking’ behaviour should be ignored, otherwise it will teach our children that they will get what they want from using that ‘bad’ behaviour. However, this isn’t the case. A child that is pulling your clothes and whining about having another snack from the pantry while you’re trying to make dinner, or a child that is having a tantrum in the middle of the shop, or a child that is saying hurtful words towards you, all want the same thing; our attention.
Yes, there are different needs to be met in each case, but they all call for our attention in order to meet that need. For example, the child that pulls on our clothes wanting another snack doesn’t get the snack, instead they get our attention for a moment while we come down to their level and name what they are feeling;
“You want the snack because you’re feeling a little lost with what to do while I make dinner and you’d rather I was playing with you. You can’t have a snack right now because dinner will be ready soon, how about you help me mash the potatoes/get the plates out/pour the rice in the pan?” Or “Would you like to sit up at the kitchen bench and colour in these pictures?”
If we ignore our child they will only get louder until they are heard. When they eventually stop they will likely feel overwhelmed, upset and disconnected, which is likely to be how we will feel too.
By ignoring our child we are also missing the opportunity to teach them a more helpful way of getting their needs met.
With repetition from us we may then start seeing, for example, our child collect their colouring books and pencils and join us in the kitchen when we start cooking, or they may say “Can I help?”
Exaggerating injury or sickness, lying about achievements and abilities and seeking praise are all behaviours that are calling out for our attention. In order to reduce the need for these behaviours there are a few things we can do;
We can look at the ways they are seeking our attention in order to understand the underlying need. For example, a child that is frequently exaggerating illness or injuries may need more nurturing, or a child that is looking for praise may have low self-esteem.
We can empathise with our child so that we build connection, rather than disconnecting from them.
We can label the feeling for them, so that they start to feel understood.
We can make sure that we give them time each day, even if it is just 15 minutes of our full attention.
We can talk to them, when everyone is calm, about what we can do next time they are feeling that same emotion again.
Our children wanting our attention is not a negative thing, but the behaviours they use to get it can be very challenging. We can do our best to give them manageable amounts of our time and we can teach them more pleasing ways to get our attention.
This way instead of receiving our attention in the form of a negative reaction, they are getting the positive connection they are really searching for.
