Why Is My Child Lying? Understanding Why Our Children Tell Lies And How To Promote Honesty.

It can be disconcerting for a parent or caregiver when we hear our children tell lies, particularly when this is happening frequently and occurring even when it is very obvious that what is being said is untrue, and opportunities are given to tell the truth.

It is going against one of our core values; honesty.

In understanding why children lie it’s useful to look at the pain pleasure principle. This was developed by Sigmund Freud, and it suggests that people make choices to avoid or decrease pain or to create or increase pleasure.

This principle is the core of all the decisions that we make.

We all have values in our life that are most important to us, whether it is acceptance or respect or wealth or power or connection, and we are constantly making decisions that will give us more of what will feel good and move away from what feels challenging. So, if power is important to you, you will try to avoid anything that makes you feel weak. In knowing this we can see how lying can serve a purpose; it is a protective strategy. And guess what? It’s not just our children that do it, we all do it! We have just had time to learn when it is appropriate to use. For example, as an adult we may feel it is necessary to tell a small lie to protect a friend in the moment or to avoid embarrassment for yourself or someone close to you, which is moving towards something that feels good or away from something that feels challenging for you. Not all lying is terrible with awful consequences attached.

So, let’s recognise that we all do it and it is normal.

Lying is actually a sign of a pretty significant developmental stage. It generally starts at around 2-5 years of age, which is when “theory of mind” develops. Theory of mind is an important social-cognitive skill that involves the cognitive ability to attribute mental states (such as beliefs, desires and intentions) to others, as separate to the self, recognising that other people’s thoughts and beliefs may differ from yours. We cannot develop empathy without this. Appreciating that lying is a normal part of child development can help reframe how we view it.

This deeper understanding of our protective human need to lie and lying being a normal part of development, lays the groundwork for grasping more reasons that children may lie;

To Avoid Punishment

The most common reason children lie is because they don't want to get into trouble. They won’t own up to taking the donut, because nobody likes to suffer the consequences when they know they have done something wrong. If there are no benefits to telling the truth and the consequence will be equally as severe, children may learn to lie to avoid facing the consequence.  

To Compensate For Low Self-Esteem

Some children tell you about all of these amazing things they can do, when you know that it isn’t true. These children lack confidence and are trying to find ways to feel better about themselves and seem more impressive to the people in their lives.

To Test What Would Happen

Children are constantly learning about the world around them and testing boundaries is a natural part of this process. Lying can be a way for children to test how much they can get away with or to see what their parents' reactions will be. For example, a child may lie about their homework being finished in order to see if their parents will check up on them.

Trouble with self-control

Some children may not even realise they are doing it. They may have difficulties with their executive functions, so organising their thoughts or thinking about consequences is very challenging for them.

What to do when they lie?

Punishing our children for lying is only going to make them feel worse, lower their self-esteem, and it won’t actually stop the lying. What it will do is make them try and lie better to avoid the punishment. Instead, we need to look at the reason for the lie and help them grow from there.

Some lies that don't seem to be causing any harm or don't seem to be compensating for low self-esteem, can probably be ignored.

We have to remind ourselves that it is normal, and we don't need to make a big deal of each lie.

We can acknowledge that you don’t think that is the truth by saying “hmm, I don’t know about that”, but no more needs to be said.

Once we understand the reason for our child’s lie, whether it is due to low self-esteem or testing boundaries, for example, we can then respond accurately. We may need to help our child to learn how to feel better about themselves, or we may need to focus on consistency and following through with instructions.

We need to create an environment for our child that tells them that it is safe to tell the truth.

Make sure they know that “if you did this I really not mad, I’m actually just a little confused”, so that being honest is not scary for them.

We can focus on honesty in the household, modelling it ourselves, and praising our child for telling the truth.

We can also be aware that we are not setting our child up for a lie. For example if we can see that our child’s hands are still dirty and they have not washed their hands as you asked them to, asking “have you washed your hands?” gives them the opportunity to lie. Instead simply say, “oh, it looks like your hands are still dirty please go and give them a wash with plenty of soap”.

Lying is a normal part of a child’s development and is often a way for them to explore and understand the world around them. By understanding the reasons why children lie and responding accordingly with encouragement towards honesty, parents can help their children develop strong values and behaviours that will serve them well throughout their lives.